"The Apple", skinned and on display!

THE APPLE (1980)
With: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy, Vladek Sheybal, Alan Love,Ray Shell, Miriam Margoyles, Joss Ackland
Genre: Rock Musical/Dystopia (You read that right…)
The Quick and Dirty Version By Morgan La Roux
(Cue “Twilight Zone” intro music as Morgan picks up a cigarette) Picture if you will, a vision of the future, deeply rooted in the past. The past, specifically, of 1980, and its vision of the distant future of….1994.
In the alternate timeline of this film, a lot happened to humanity in 15 years. And by a lot, I mean things like cars and baby carriages got bulkier and more “futuristic”, it is now the norm for men and women alike to dress like Lady Gaga, and oh yeah, a music company called BIM somehow managed to take over THE ENTIRE WORLD. The movie never bothers to explain how or why this happened, but BIM seems to have all media in its grasp, as well as the law and government. To wit: In this society, you must wear a shiny sticker version of BIM’s logo, a “Bim Mark”, somewhere on your body at all times (go wild with that one, folks); and for one designated hour a day, as part of a government fitness program, all citizens must literally drop everything and dance to the hypnotic tunes of BIM. Yes, even if you’re having heart surgery. Yes, they show that particular scenario in the film.
BIM is overseen by the sinister Mister Boogalow, who doles out opiates to the masses in the form of factory made popstars. His star duo, Dandi and Pandi, are upstaged at the “Worldvision Song Festival” by two folk singers known as Alphie and Bibi. Boogalow sways the crowd back to BIM’s favor with some handy mind control, but now wishes to exploit Alphie and Bibi’s wholesome charm for his own gains. He manages to get the smarmy Dandi to seduce Bibi over to the dark side, but Alphie senses something is up and refuses to sign a contract with BIM. While Bibi becomes a huge star, Alphie wanders the streets, mourning the loss of his love and getting his ass kicked by Boogalow’s thugs. Alphie’s landlady tries to cheer him, and Pandi tries-painfully hard- to seduce him, but it’s all for naught. He’s inconsolable and so is Bibi, who’s disillusioned with fame. Then, Alphie he meets a group of hippies, who offer him a place in their happy BIMless society. He accepts, and is once he is reunited with Bibi, the two of them become the lamest flower children since The Essex County Dinner Theater of Dubuque put on “Hair”. But what’s this? Boogalow has arrived at the commune to claim Bibi for his own, with his minions and the po-po in tow! What will our heroes do? And now, out of nowhere, the resolution of the movie comes crashing down on the audience’s head like a 16-ton weight.
God himself flies down in a limo from space to aid Bibi and Alphie, and announces that He’s going to start a new planet without evil. Yeah, just like that- happy Rapture, everyone. He then invites all the good characters, including the repentant Pandi, to fly off with Him. Too bad for Boogalow, seeing as how he’s Satan and all!
The end. Really.

Morgan’s thoughts: This has been a favorite guilty pleasure of mine for some time, and I was really pleased to show it to all of you. Don’t hate me! But if you do, I totally understand… I first heard about this movie from Coldfusion Reviews, and it did not disappoint once I tracked it down. It’s godawful but a lot of fun. I didn’t really go into the musical numbers in the synopsis (they tend to bring the plot to a halt) but they are a MUST see- if you see even a snippet of one song, you will never forget it. They are the campiest, ugliest, tackiest scenes imaginable- especially “Life is Nothing But Show Bizness” and the title song. Everything about them is horrendous, from the settings (“Show Bizness” looks like it was filmed in an airport), to the costumes (the zombies in “The Apple” are just people wearing identical black leotards and wigs…and who can forget Dandi’s gold diaperthong). I’d also like to point out that while these songs are indeed infectiously catchy, the lyrics are anything but forgettable. They’re spectacular failures. There’s the oft-cited couplet from the title track, “It’s a natural, natural, natural, desire/Meet an actual, actual, actual…VAMPIRE!!!!!!”; and while that’s a gem (especially since the movie has nothing to do with vampires), the booby prize has to go to Pandi’s naughty number “Coming For You”, and its, um, descriptive tone: “Harder and harder….deeper and deeper….I’m COOOOOMINGGGG….COOOOOOOMING FOOOOOR YOOOOOOOUUUU!!!”